I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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