i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
