Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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