i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
