Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
