i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize