Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
