I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
