3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
