I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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