Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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