I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
God I need to hump something, right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize