Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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