I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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