sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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