OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
