so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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