totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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