areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
