I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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