Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
