he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
