Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize