just come out here and I will go home with you...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And then my night got REAL pukey
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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