people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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