Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
