I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
