We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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