it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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