I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
