Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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