you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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