dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
