sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
