I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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