How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
