I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
