I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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