I'm so fucking centered right now
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
