The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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