we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
