Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
