Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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