I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
