you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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