my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
