what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
