my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
