cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
