You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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