Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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