seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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