Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
