My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
