No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
