So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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