OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize