I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
