She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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