I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize